Post by May Robin Forrest-Allen on Oct 20, 2012 21:49:03 GMT -5
May sat down by the side of the river, where it was a little like a straight edge, than a smooth one down. A mini cliff side. She let her head float over different things. But no matter what she did, her mind came back to her daughter, to Bambi, those days at the settlement. The scars that were not faded from the knife that cut across her cheek. The look in Phyre's eye when he hit her, when he got angry, when he was drunk. More than any of that, the feeling came back to her.
She remembered the first day that she found cutting healed the hurt. When she found that a knife against her skin helped. She remembered how over come yet unwilling to do...that. Mara? Could she even think it? Suicide. There she thought it. The word. She closed her eyes and there she was at the precipice, tall and high, to plunge in to rocks where the water rushed so fast it would be months till the found a piece of her- if they ever did at all. She'd be gone. Dead. Never heard from again. But maybe she was already dead, inside. She had to be dead to her friends back home, to Elly, to Lily, to Gabe, to Rast..... To Aeron. She had gone, no longer there, just disappeared. They would expect she just forgot about them, to visit. That she'd moved on moved away from hi-them, and just gone on with out them.
But she didn't jump. She didn't know why. She stopped hurting outside, but not in. Her head killed her day after day. Insanity took her into it's grip and hadn't let her go. WHY DID MARA LET THIS HAPPEN TO HER? But of course, the Goddess must have a reason. Was she a gentle goddess really? She couldn't have done this to May just for fun, just to play with her pawns. No, Mara was good, and gentle and this would have killed her. It's that simple. It has to be.... doesn't it?
May leaned back so she was now laying on the grass behind her. Where would she be with out Delvin?
Dead.
That simple.
Why was she thinking about this all again?
Why?
How does one forget about this?
Maybe she should tell her friends. No. She can't. Maybe she should just go back, maybe it was a fluke- No, May, who are you kidding. You can't go back. Love doesn't exist.
You love Aeron. No. I think I love him. Oh shut up you love him. What even defines love?
May lay there for a while. The thoughts went away, and were replaced. She imagined her daughter taking he first steps, and singing, shooting her first- well she wouldn't be an archer would she? Bambi- she missed her. May would go visit soon. Maybe that would help, to leave for a while to get out of all the fuss and fumbles attached here. Maybe that would give her the confidence to tell them. May couldn't stand to keep a secret from them, but she also couldn't not keep a secret. How could she tell them something as horrid as that? With good conscious. Didn't she owe it to them? To Ellly? To Lily? Them at least. Aeron the most. Yet, aren't some things better left to their own? This could be one of them. Could she really talk about it? She didn't even tell her Mother all of it. Mara knowing could sustain her couldn't it? What if they treated her differently? But they already were. She'd changed; they noticed.
Delvin will be home in a month. And she missed him. Her brother, her bestfriend had just suddenly left her. For good cause. He may come back with that girl he couldn't shut up about, that would be amazing. Why couldn't she see Delvin with her old friends. Weren't they all just as important to her? But times and friendships, how greatly they differ. Maybe love is like water. May sat up and looked to the river. Maybe death was like water. No, death is a cycle. But isn't water? Maybe- she'd only heard Gabe talk about it once. The idea, that water goes up from a river, and down from the clouds as rain. So death is like water. But what does that make love? A rock? No, love is not that solid. It is much more break able. A shell maybe? Of an Egg. Fragile. Maybe love could be a rock. Her mother's love for her father was a rock- stronger than a rock, a diamond. No diamonds shatter to easily, metal of some kind, Iron. But Iron is so inflexible. Gold. Her parent's were gold. What was she? She was the egg.
Her mind must be wrong, this couldn't possibly be right. Maybe Gabe would know, but he deals so strong in facts. Could the mind even be a fact? Every person so different. Does she have a doppelganger? Someone just like her. Was their mind like hers? Sad and dark? But May loved light. Yet she couldn't break how serious she has been. What could she do to break that?
May got up and began to walk, then run, then she dived, off of a cliff, down into deep unrocky water. When she game up she gasped for air and swam to shore. Then. She laughed. And laughed, and laughed. It was impossible for her to stop to think about stopping. To think, simply. she just laughed and lived off the thrill that gave her. Maybe this could get her back?
But no, her laughter stopped, and once again, all she had was laying on a bank, with her mind in torrents and the sun still shining on her.
She remembered the first day that she found cutting healed the hurt. When she found that a knife against her skin helped. She remembered how over come yet unwilling to do...that. Mara? Could she even think it? Suicide. There she thought it. The word. She closed her eyes and there she was at the precipice, tall and high, to plunge in to rocks where the water rushed so fast it would be months till the found a piece of her- if they ever did at all. She'd be gone. Dead. Never heard from again. But maybe she was already dead, inside. She had to be dead to her friends back home, to Elly, to Lily, to Gabe, to Rast..... To Aeron. She had gone, no longer there, just disappeared. They would expect she just forgot about them, to visit. That she'd moved on moved away from hi-them, and just gone on with out them.
But she didn't jump. She didn't know why. She stopped hurting outside, but not in. Her head killed her day after day. Insanity took her into it's grip and hadn't let her go. WHY DID MARA LET THIS HAPPEN TO HER? But of course, the Goddess must have a reason. Was she a gentle goddess really? She couldn't have done this to May just for fun, just to play with her pawns. No, Mara was good, and gentle and this would have killed her. It's that simple. It has to be.... doesn't it?
May leaned back so she was now laying on the grass behind her. Where would she be with out Delvin?
Dead.
That simple.
Why was she thinking about this all again?
Why?
How does one forget about this?
Maybe she should tell her friends. No. She can't. Maybe she should just go back, maybe it was a fluke- No, May, who are you kidding. You can't go back. Love doesn't exist.
You love Aeron. No. I think I love him. Oh shut up you love him. What even defines love?
May lay there for a while. The thoughts went away, and were replaced. She imagined her daughter taking he first steps, and singing, shooting her first- well she wouldn't be an archer would she? Bambi- she missed her. May would go visit soon. Maybe that would help, to leave for a while to get out of all the fuss and fumbles attached here. Maybe that would give her the confidence to tell them. May couldn't stand to keep a secret from them, but she also couldn't not keep a secret. How could she tell them something as horrid as that? With good conscious. Didn't she owe it to them? To Ellly? To Lily? Them at least. Aeron the most. Yet, aren't some things better left to their own? This could be one of them. Could she really talk about it? She didn't even tell her Mother all of it. Mara knowing could sustain her couldn't it? What if they treated her differently? But they already were. She'd changed; they noticed.
Delvin will be home in a month. And she missed him. Her brother, her bestfriend had just suddenly left her. For good cause. He may come back with that girl he couldn't shut up about, that would be amazing. Why couldn't she see Delvin with her old friends. Weren't they all just as important to her? But times and friendships, how greatly they differ. Maybe love is like water. May sat up and looked to the river. Maybe death was like water. No, death is a cycle. But isn't water? Maybe- she'd only heard Gabe talk about it once. The idea, that water goes up from a river, and down from the clouds as rain. So death is like water. But what does that make love? A rock? No, love is not that solid. It is much more break able. A shell maybe? Of an Egg. Fragile. Maybe love could be a rock. Her mother's love for her father was a rock- stronger than a rock, a diamond. No diamonds shatter to easily, metal of some kind, Iron. But Iron is so inflexible. Gold. Her parent's were gold. What was she? She was the egg.
Her mind must be wrong, this couldn't possibly be right. Maybe Gabe would know, but he deals so strong in facts. Could the mind even be a fact? Every person so different. Does she have a doppelganger? Someone just like her. Was their mind like hers? Sad and dark? But May loved light. Yet she couldn't break how serious she has been. What could she do to break that?
May got up and began to walk, then run, then she dived, off of a cliff, down into deep unrocky water. When she game up she gasped for air and swam to shore. Then. She laughed. And laughed, and laughed. It was impossible for her to stop to think about stopping. To think, simply. she just laughed and lived off the thrill that gave her. Maybe this could get her back?
But no, her laughter stopped, and once again, all she had was laying on a bank, with her mind in torrents and the sun still shining on her.